Nearly one in five U.S. adults live with a mental illness (51.5 million in 2019). Mental illnesses include many different conditions that vary in degree of severity, ranging from mild to moderate to severe. With various degrees of mental illness being so prevalent in the United States, it’s likely you’ve known someone who still is suffering from a mental illness. When it’s a parent facing these challenges, it’s important to explore the best ways to start talking to young kids about mental health.
How does a parent or close family member’s mental illness impact a young child? There is research that shows how a primary caregiver’s mental health can dramatically impact a child’s development.
Two of the ways to buffer the impact of a parent’s mental illness is an active treatment for the parent and talking to young kids about mental health – and having the conversation early with the child so they are aware of behavior changes. Having these age-appropriate conversations about parental mental health allows for the child to make sense of their parents behaviors.
I know first hand how a severe mental illness impacts a child. I was in high school when I learned about my fathers diagnosis. Before that, no one explained to me what and why he was behaving in a way that frightened me. This is not a story about what should and shouldn’t have been done, but me sharing what I wish I would have known as as child growing up that might had made a healthier impact on my mental health.
Whether you’re facing mental health challenges or someone in your family is, keep reading to get my best suggestions on how to start talking with young kids about mental health – even as young as toddlers – so you set them up for emotional success.
But first, we need to understand where our toddler’s cognitive abilities are at.
Where is your toddler cognitively?
Understanding your toddler’s development is a key step in talking to young kids about mental health.
Toddlers are hard at work. Their little minds and body are learning and mastering locomotion, receptive & expressive language, fantasy play, and self-control. One of the ways that our toddlers learn is through imitation. It’s the most effective way that they learn. Children observe their more skilled parents, siblings, and peers. Toddlers seem driven to imitate almost everything they observe.
Toddlers’ vocabularies expand markedly through their imitation of the words they hear in adult conversation, on television, and in stories. And this imitation is supported by specific neural mechanisms. Research has identified a mirror neuron system that underlies a person’s ability to observe and then recreate the action of others as well as to understand the emotions and intentions of others. (Iacoboni & Depretto, 2006; Iacoboni, 2009)
When a parent engages in externalized behaviors such as ticks or compulsions, your toddler is likely observing and may start engaging in the same behavior. It might be alarming to the parent, but know that this is normal as they are learning through imitation.
Because of the power of imitation, please know that your toddler is not intentionally trying to give you a hard time. Their brain is rapidly developing and they lack impulse control and the self-regulation skills to calm down. They need their caregivers to help them do so.
So what does all of these mean for talking to young kids about mental health?
Toddler Development & Parenting Mental Health
Toddler’s and young children are aware of changes in their environment or in people as early as the age of two. But talking to young kids about mental health should vary based on their age and developmental stage.
Young children need less information and fewer details because of their more limited ability to understand. Preschool children, for example, focus primarily on things they can see. They may have questions about a person who has an unusual physical appearance or who is behaving strangely. They would also be very aware of people who are crying and obviously upset, or who are yelling and angry.
If you are suffering from a mental illness with externalized behaviors, it’s important that you first be aware of how your symptoms impact your thoughts and behaviors before talking to your young child about what those behaviors are. Before talking to young kids about mental health – and specifically about these behaviors – do some reflective work. This requires you to take a moment and list out the behaviors your child might notice: sad or teary, irritable, snappy, explosive, unable to be responsive, motor movements, sleeping, outbursts, or restless.
Then, take a moment to identify what your child might see when you engage in these observable behaviors. Communication and nurturing connection are crucial in supporting your toddler and young child and helping them understand the mental health challenges or behaviors they may be seeing.
How to Support Your Toddler When Talking to Young Kids About Mental Health
It may feel overwhelming to start talking to your toddler about mental health, whether the mental health challenges are your own or another family member’s. But getting started early talking with young kids about mental health can have a very positive impact on their development.
Use these tips to have the conversation with your toddler or preschooler:
Start linking words with feelings
If you’re feeling irritable, reassure your child by saying “I am grumpy right now. You are not making me grumpy. It is how I am feeling and I can see it’s making you sad.” “I know I used an angry voice at you. Please know that I am not angry with you. I will try and use my regular voice.”
Slow everything down
When you’re feeling a symptom of your mental illness-slow everything down. Read a story with your little one, sing songs, or listen to music together.
Make sure your child knows it’s not their job to make them feel better.
Even young kids start to develop empathy and want to help make their parents feel better. But it’s important to help young kids understand it’s not their job to manage their parents’ or caregivers’ emotions.
Take time to pause
If you are not feeling well and your child is in the middle of a tantrum, do your best to keep your cool. Pause, it’s all you have to do. Pausing is a skill in itself and is powerful. It creates room for and space for a choice. You can choose to lash out, or choose to model a coping skills that your child will one day use.
Include others in the conversation
Include support people such as grandparents, close friends. Tell them about the externalized behaviors.
Toddlers need to trust that you will help them, support them, and respond to them. If you’re not capable of responding, create a plan of a script or have a support person come to help your child.
Use metaphors
Use a metaphor to help explain to your toddler or young child why you’re engaging in some of these behaviors. You can use the idea of hiccups- we don’t have control over, but I work hard to try and get them to stop.
Encourage toddlers to explain their own feelings
Encourage your toddler to use words or gestures to communicate their feelings and needs. This requires you to do some work with them. Playing with them is the best way to teach them and have them master these critical social and life skills.
I also encourage parents, when talking to young kids about mental health, to give their children language to use when there are externalizing behaviors that might help you defuse the behavior quickly- “daddy/mommy, you are shouting again, that hurts my heart, can you speak to me in your regular voice?” There is nothing more powerful that will diffuse the situation faster than a little human using your own words that you taught them.
Set yourself up for success
Have a bank of easy-to-do activities with your toddler that require little to no effort on the days you are struggling. Create a list of songs, rhymes, books, bubbles – these are just a few examples. The benefits of reading and singing are endless, from language development and executive functioning to working memory.
Help toddlers understand they’re not at fault
Ensure that your toddler or child knows that they did not cause your feelings or your behaviors when you’re talking to young kids about mental health. Children this young are egocentric, meaning they believe that when bad things happen, that they are bad. Or that if a parent yells, it’s because they did something bad. Seek out additional parenting resources that focus on proactive, positive, teaching discipline strategies.
Talk frequently
Continue to have short conversations over time about your mental illness. This is key to talking with young kids about mental health successfully. These small conversations can build your child’s and family’s shared understanding over time. Around the age of 7 is when children understand that thoughts and behaviors are connected.
Leverage other resources
Use books as a support for sharing about mental illness. There aren’t many books that are specially written for preschool aged children, but several of these books below might help an older child.
The Secret to Successfully Talking to Young Kids About Mental Health
The single most important aspect of a successful conversation about parental mental health is to start young and continue the conversation over time. While a toddler may not understand the mental health diagnosis itself, a toddler can begin to understand that a parent’s emotions or behaviors are not tied to their own feelings and behaviors.
As your child gets older, the conversation can evolve as they do, helping them gain a clear understanding of the challenges a parent is facing and helping them better understand other people with mental health challenges too.
Start the conversation early and continue to have the conversation with young children to help understand mental illness.
Need some support to have this conversation in your home? Contact me to learn more about my California child and family therapy services or explore my online courses and resources.
References: (NIHM website- https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/mental-illness)