Whether your child is struggling at school drop-off, too stressed to actually play in their weekend soccer league or often worried, it’s easy to wonder if their behavior is normal or if they could be signs of anxiety in children.
It’s difficult to see our kids experiencing these tough emotions, especially when we’re not sure how to help them. Sometimes, we might do too much to help and end up making childhood anxiety symptoms work by accident. Other times, we might overlook these signs of anxiety in kids as developmentally normal, and miss the opportunity to help our kids build key coping skills.
If you think your child might be experiencing anxiety, then it’s important to start learning as much as you can about the condition. Helping kids with anxiety means teaching them strategies to self-regulate and face their fears.
Ready to dive into how to deal with anxiety in children? Keep reading for my best advice, both as a mom of an anxious child and as a clinical psychologist with years of experience working with kids with anxiety.
9 Signs of Anxiety in Children
Every child is different. And the way their anxiety presents will be different, too. However, there are some common physical and psychological symptoms of childhood anxiety.
Usually, the most significant indicator or physical symptoms are:
- Nausea
- Racing heart
- Seating
- Headache
- Stomach ache
- Impaired sleep
- Overreacts
- Seems grumpy all-day
- Stiff muscles
When a child experiences anxiety, physical symptoms are often present because the body is responding to the flight or fight response in the brain. That response is sending a message to the body to stay out of danger. For kids and toddlers who are still learning how to self-regulate when they are feeling big emotions, it can be incredibly difficult to move past these anxious feelings.
As a parent, we can assess the environment, ensure that there is no real threat, provide comfort or coping skills, and work through difficult emotions. This is how we can help kids learn to manage fear, anxiety, or worry adaptively.
Let’s take a look at what this process looks like in action, with a real-life example from a recent experience with my son.
Helping a Child With Anxiety: A Real-World Example
It’s Saturday morning, and I begin setting the day’s stage. It’s not something I always do, but if something new or novel is coming up, I like to take extra steps to prepare my children for what they can expect.
My son is three years old. I consider him a slower-to-warm child who needs to assess his environment before he makes a move. This particular Saturday, we will be attending a birthday party for a three-year-old child with a guest appearance by Spiderman himself. I tell my son that Spiderman is going to be there. We even watch a spider man show that morning, so he knows what to expect.
He cautiously enters the gym floor but, within two minutes, is running around with his five-year-old sister. He’s adjusted and having a great time. This gives him plenty of time to adjust to the new friends and setting.
About 30 minutes later, Spiderman arrives. My son runs to us with big tears in total fear. Although I know his fear is totally developmentally appropriate, I want to rescue him right away and take him home. But, I know this isn’t the best approach when facing one of the signs of anxiety in children.
Instead of rushing him home, I swoop him up and quickly comfort him. I tell him, “you seem scared. That’s ok. I have you. You’re safe with me.”
He wants to go outside, so we do. I hold him and comfort him the best I can. He asks to go home. I kindly tell him we are staying. This brings more tears.
As a parent, I have a choice to make. I can honor his request and leave the party or find a creative way to get him to join the party again. So what should I do?
How Parents Can Help Build Anxiety Coping Skills for Kids
In this real-world example, I’m faced with a difficult choice: do what I know will fix the bad feelings for my son in the short-term (leave and go home) or do what I know will help these bad feelings in the long-term (stay at the party).
If we leave, I would be engaging in what clinicians call parental accommodation. Parental accommodation in the anxiety literature is the ways we alter the environment in our experiences to prevent or relieve our children’s fear or anxious feelings.
As parents, we don’t have the intention of creating anxious children, but we can reinforce this anxiety or fear response by removing them completely.
While our intention may be to comfort our child, fix their pain and help them feel better, what we’re actually doing is showing our children we don’t think they can handle the discomfort, the fear or the situation at hand. This can, in turn, exacerbate anxiety and make mental health challenges worse.
What to Do Instead When Dealing With Children With Anxiety
Instead of reinforcing his fear, my goal is to comfort him and get him back to his emotional baseline so we can rejoin the party.
I wait for him to settle and talk him through how it’s hard to be brave when you’re scared. But that he is safe.
Once we were able to calm down a bit with my support, I offered a choice of going inside and sitting close to the door or going on the play floor. He said, “hold me.” So we went in and just watched. He held on tight as I continued to provide support.
I got tired. I enlisted the support of my husband as I was starting to fatigue, and I wanted to socialize with the other parents. My husband took over and kept him inside the building (not on the play floor), and read books.
Once Spiderman left, he felt comfortable about returning to the play floor.
Even though he was not able to rejoin the party with Spiderman present, it was still a win that he could be inside the building and stay regulated.
By approaching his fears in this way, I am not simply “fixing” his worries. I am teaching him key anxiety coping skills for kids that he can use to support himself as he gets older.
What to Do If You Think Your Child Has Anxiety
My spiderman example is an obvious example of a child showing a fear/anxious/worry response. But in some children, it’s much harder to identify. Young children may not have the expressive language skills to communicate their experiences. They will likely show it by internalizing or externalizing their behaviors.
If you think your child has anxiety, you might start by simply observing their day-to-day habits and look for signs of anxiety in children. If they are having a hard time sleeping, are complaining of frequent aches and pains or seems more irritable than usual, then there may be something going on.
Pay close attention to how you interact with your child when they are expressing these concerns, too. Are you trying to solve the problem and get rid of their pain, or are you setting them up to build coping skills?
Finally, don’t be afraid to reach out for professional help. Talking to your child’s pediatrician or a licensed marriage and family therapist can help you determine the best next steps for your child.
Have questions about the signs of anxiety in children? Contact Michelle Tangeman to learn more and get your questions answered.