If you have a toddler, preschooler or young child, they probably aren’t the best at listening the first (or even second) time you make a request. And while this is completely normal, it doesn’t make it any easier to handle when your toddler doesn’t listen.
As a parent, there is almost nothing more frustrating than repeating yourself five times only to have your little one completely ignore you. It’s no wonder there are countless books available about how to get kids to listen – and especially how to get kids to listen without yelling.
What to do when a toddler doesn’t listen is also one of the most common questions I get in my work as a licensed therapist and founder of Thriving Toddler. Luckily, throughout my years of working with young kids (and raising young kids of my own), I’ve developed some effective strategies to help foster cooperation and improve listening skills.
Before we get into my favorite strategy, let’s take a moment to explore why toddlers don’t listen and how we as parents can help make listening easier.
Why Toddlers Don’t Listen
When your toddler doesn’t listen, does this scene sound familiar?
My kids were hangry, which made every little small thing difficult. It had already been a long day and my patience was wearing thin. My son and I were already sitting on the couch when my daughter joined them. She proceeded to launch her leg in the air and smack it down where my son’s foot was.
I said:
“Please stop kicking your brother. Please stop kicking your brother. Stop kicking your brother. Stop kicking your brother. STOP KICKING YOUR BROTHER!!!!!”
By the end, my voice was raised and my 4-year-old proceeded to run into her room crying.
Scenes just like this play out in living rooms every day when a toddler doesn’t listen. It’s hard to stay calm! I often forget my own tools despite my experience and training.
But it’s important to understand why toddlers don’t listen (and why they act in certain ways) in order to find different ways of reacting to these challenging behaviors.
When you’re a young child, it’s often difficult to follow directions. Typically, it’s not an act of actual defiance or a desire to disrespect your parents. It’s simply too much effort to stop the cool car activity (or the fun karate kicking) to do what my mom or dad said to do.
Knowing this as parents, we can learn to respond differently when a child doesn’t listen and follow directions. So what can we do instead?
What To Do When Your Toddler Doesn’t Listen
When your toddler doesn’t listen, it’s a natural reaction to repeat yourself. Many times, we find ourselves repeating the request over and over (and louder and louder). But here’s what I want us to do instead.
The key is a simple strategy I like to call the “XXP Rule” or the “no, no, prompt” rule. Following this one strategy consistently will not only help you figure out how to get kids to listen in the moment, but will also help foster cooperation and better listening skills long term.
Here’s how it works:
If your child is non responsive or actively not following your instructions after the first two requests, it’s on you to provide some kind of prompt to get them to move in the direction you need them to. This helps them follow directions more quickly and also prevents us from escalating and reaching the level of frustration where we want to yell.
Let’s look at the example of my daughter kicking her brother again, this time following the XXP Rule:
“Please stop kicking your brother. Please stop kicking your brother. It looks like you didn’t hear me, I am going to help you now.”
Then you move to block another kick and redirect your toddler to something else.
Why Does the XXP Rule Work When Your Toddler Doesn’t Listen?
This strategy allows your child to be independent in following your direction. It gives them the benefit of the doubt and gives them two chances to make a good choice. Maybe they didn’t hear you the first time. So you make sure you have their attention and ask them again. Still nothing? Then it’s time for you to get up and set a boundary and follow through. This prevents you from losing your cool and at the same time, it teaches your child that you mean what you say.
By consistently using this strategy when your toddler doesn’t listen to instructions, you can help them learn to listen more consistently, reduce big conflicts with your little ones and all get a little more peace.
Need More Help Figuring Out How to Get Kids to Listen?
If you’ve tried the XXP Rule and are still struggling to get your young child to listen, don’t stress! There are lots of ways to help support good listening skills for toddlers, preschoolers and older kids.
If you need more support, consider downloading my free guide to 8 strategies that improve listening. Work on those strategies consistently and you should start seeing significant improvements in your child’s challenging behaviors.
If you need more one-on-one support, then be sure to explore my options for private Q&A sessions with parents. We can talk about your child’s specific behaviors and come up with a personalized plan that works for your family. Click here to contact me and learn more about my one-on-one services.