Have you been on a playdate with your toddler and they’ve started to hit, grab, or just run away? Or maybe you’ve been on the receiving end and you’re not sure how to address it with your toddler. In my blog post today, I will be sharing some of the most commonly asked questions by parents about playdates and my best toddler playdate ideas to solve these common play problems.
No matter how often two (or more) kids play together, there is going to be conflict when you bring them together. KIds are still learning to navigate the world around them, including how to share, how to handle their big emotions and how to problem solve when conflicts arise.
We can’t expect toddlers to play without conflict, but we can use some simple toddler playdate ideas to make managing that conflict easier on kids and parents alike. Keep reading for some common scenarios and how to handle them
Toddler Playdate Ideas to Manage Conflict
1. What do you do if the kids aren’t sharing and/or playing nicely?
Avoid This:
- Forcing to share
- Saying “it’s not nice to share.”
Try This:
- “You don’t have to share right now. When you’re done you can give it to your friend.”
- “Maybe you can offer your friend this toy?”
- “Is there something we can trade?”
This simple toddler playdate idea for conflict management works well because it supports toddlers where they’re at developmentally. After all, the toddler’s world is all about them or what psychologists call egocentric. They aren’t developmentally mature enough to understand that the objects they love and are attached to should be held by someone else. While it may be difficult in the moment, try to take it as a good sign when they throw a tantrum when you ask them to share.
Sharing is a skill just like all other developmental skills, and it takes time to develop. My best advice about sharing is to provide opportunities during your one-on-one play time at home and express a job well done if they can share independently. It’s equally important not to force or shame any child into sharing.
2. What do you do if your child is being shy?
Avoid This:
- Forcing your child to say hello and to go play
- Saying “don’t be shy… go say hello.”
Try This:
- You can stand here until you’re ready.
- You can encourage your child by having the older child play with your child’s preferred activity.
- You can join the other child in play.
- Offer other options for greeting such as a wave.
It’s important for kids to learn to set boundaries and it’s our job as adults to support children in setting them instead of steamrolling them to meet a social norm. These simple playdate ideas to deal with shyness are are part of teaching and practicing consent.
Feeling shy is not good or bad, and labeling a child shy as a negative thing can impact their sense of self and become part of their identity. A child is not their behavior. Continue to provide opportunities, model social behaviors that are important to you, and make sure to always express a job well done.
3. What do you do and/or say if the other child (not your kid) is misbehaving?
Avoid This:
- They are not being nice.
- That kid is bad.
Try This:
- It looks like (child name) is having a hard time.
- I can tell because they are on the floor crying.
- What do you think we can do that might help them feel better?”
Children are not their behavior. Avoid labeling a child bad or good, which places judgment on the child’s behavior and switch it out with narrating what is happening. As a bonus, narrating what’s happened to the other child helps your child make sense of what might be going on. Providing an action plan or solution allows your child to provide a possible solution.
You could say something along the lines of, “what makes you feel better when you’re (sad/mad/jealous)?” You’ll likely need to provide an answer. Around the age of two and three is when you see children wanting to comfort other children when they are hurt. It’s also helpful to label the emotion that a child might be feeling as this is the first step in building emotional literacy, which will later support your child’s emotional intelligence.
These simple toddler playdate ideas to manage big feelings can help not only in the moment but can also be an important part of raising an emotionally intelligent and empathetic child.
4. What are ways to encourage ongoing play during a playdate?
Avoid This:
- Hovering & over prompting
Try This:
- Using toys and material that your child likes & what the other child might like
- model how you might play, and allow for independence.
There are various stages of play beginning with unoccupied play (birth to three months), to solitary play (birth to two years), parallel play (two years +), associate play (ages three to four), and cooperative play (four plus years). As a parent or caregiver, it’s helpful to know where your child is at developmentally so you can meet them where they are at and support their play.
Need toddler playdate ideas that support play? The secret to a successful play date is in the play you do at home. Use these tips for better playtime.
- Frontload! What I mean by this is taking the time to play at home with them. It can be broken up in several small segments of the day; five minutes here and maybe 10 minutes there. If you don’t feel like playing, don’t force it. Let it feel easy and natural to you. During this play time, model how you use the toy, describe the toy using simple language. Relax and explore with them.
- Redirect behavior. If your young toddler is throwing or grabbing, redirect them and show them what to do instead. The younger your child the more you’ll model and behave like opening your hand as a gesture to take a turn with the toy.
- Follow their lead. In any play routine, follow their lead, make sure you have their attention when making requests, reinforce attempts at using language and/or sharing, provide choices if they don’t seem interested in the toy. And if they are just not into it, take a break.
When you arrive at your play date, bring items that you know your child enjoys that they will engage with then sit back and let them naturally explore on their own and enjoy their playmate.
Put These Toddler Playdate Ideas Into Action
With this toddler playdate playbook, you’re officially ready to have better playdates. Remember – young children are going to have conflict during playdates. It’s actually one of the reasons playdates are so valuable in the first place! They’re a safe space to learn conflict management, social behaviors and emotional intelligence. So try to think of each fight over a toy as an opportunity for your child to learn and grow.
Need more toddler playdate ideas? Check out my guide to playing with intention for babies and toddlers. And if you need personalized support for your child and family, feel free to contact me at any time.